Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
