Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
