when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My ass is underappreciated
I'm too high and old for this...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
