My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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