We're facebook friends in real life
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dignity is for republicans.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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