a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Success! We fucked roommates!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
