I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
