We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
