on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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