Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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