i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Is Oprah even human
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
