We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
