yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
