why didn't you poke me back
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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