This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
