I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
