i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
