Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
