Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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