Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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