Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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