someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
