I think my vagina is haunted
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
