he puts the penis in happiness.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
