i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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