When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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