I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
