Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
