Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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