Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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