i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
