I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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