this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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