Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
