I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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