Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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