My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's shark week go big or go home
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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