I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
