there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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