hell yes lets make some ravioli
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
