Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
