i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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