What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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