i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
