I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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