a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
