So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
