it wasn't lemon gatorade
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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