She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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