i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
