I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
